The Battle

I keep having this dream. I'm in a battle and I'm fighting. I have many dreams of battles. But in this one I'm fighting this battle. I feel alone, but I'm aware of other people on the battle field who are on my side. I can see arrows and darts flying by. Its a harsh battle. Sometimes some of the others are there with their arms wrapped around my waist holding me up as I weild my sword. I'm so high on the chemicals flowing through my blood, surging giving me strength. I fight my way forward and get to the person on the other side. The head person, my nemesis. I throw her to the ground and I'm standing over her with my sword ready to kill. I rip off her hood and look into her face and... its me.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I feel like the only thing I'm fighting is myself. Its something you hear frequently in the Christian comunity. "You're battling with your flesh." The thing is, I'm not just battling with my flesh, I'm massacring it. Literally. I'm sure this isn't anything like what they had in mind when they were writing the bible. The whole dying to the flesh part I mean. In fact the bible tells us that our body is a temple. I'm sure not treating it as such. They are talking about dying to your sin and desires. It just seems so ironic that if I'm battling with my flesh, then the battle is trying to prevent myself from destroying it.

I'm not one of those odd people who feels I should literally crucify myself daily, no. Self injury is something I've been doing since long before I became a Christian. It feels like my dirty, shameful little secret. Please don't misread me in this post I don't do it for religious reasons. I do it because I have no other way to cope. Sick as it sounds, sometimes pain just makes more sense when you feel it physically rather than in your heart.

I'm just so frustrated. It seems like my biggest sin is one of the strangest. It leaves me feeling so alone sometimes. All I want is to stop. For good. I know I'll get there some day, but the things most worth achieving take time. This is one of those things. I'm just sick of hiding.