Trials

Sometimes this whole thing gets really difficult. No road is easy sometimes. The thing is, with my work I live with the people I work with. I'm around people 24/7 and sometimes, its too much. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. Its the most fulfilling job ever. And the people I work with? well, I love them like family. But sometimes its too much. Its easy to relapse. I'm so depressed right now I'm not sure how to deal with it. I think it may have started when I went home... just too much crap piled up over the holidays that I didn't know how to deal with or what to do about them. My birthday was a real let down, the family ordered the food they wanted... chinese. Don't get me wrong, I love Chinese, I just can't eat pork (makes me sick) and they ordered lots of it. I celebrated with fried rice and fried chicken. I should be happy and apreciative, people don't always get as good as that even. And then I struggled with Christmas. Why do we have to be all shiny and happy. I'm not a humbug, but if I'm not feeling it I'm not faking it. Thats for sure.

But I must admit, I feel like a fake. Here I am living in this bubble of shiny happy people, pretending to be normal, all the while I'm falling apart inside. I have this addiction, its a strange addiction, but an addiction none the less. And its not the kind of thing that you just abstain from. In many ways self injury has saved my life and kept be from worse and more destructive things. I don't know why I do it. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. I just hope that one day the good Lord frees me from myself.